Friday, June 15, 2018

Word of the Year: Release

Normal people do Word of the Year posts in January. But, hello, here I am doing mine in June.

I did one of these posts in 2016 and in 2017, so I wanted to do one again this year as well. But there was just no word on my heart in January. Or February, March, or April. Then, last month, in May, I finally felt a word being put on my heart. The word release.

I make plans. A lot. I'm not always great at planning my weeks and months... I like to have a level of spontaneity in my life that makes it hard for me to make concrete plans. But I am the queen of planning the future, in my head. I think for the first 25 years of my life, my plans in my head pretty much went exactly how I dreamed. And then I've spent the last five years building dreams that continually fall apart. Honestly, so many dreams of mine have fallen apart in these last five years, that sometimes I sit and wonder if I am in tune with God at all. 

I felt the weight of crashed dreams recently when we learned our neighbors were moving. We live in a farmhouse surrounded by cornfields, so we don't have many neighbors. These neighbors lived across the cornfield, and we were delighted when we found out, shortly after moving here last year, that they had three kids the ages of our kids. We got together a number of times so that our kids could play together, and we had them over for dinner. One of the greatest blessings was that they had a daughter Sophie's age, and Sophie is our extremely social child. I was so thankful to have them as neighbors. We lived in a cul-de-sac before with tons of neighbors, and literally none of them had kids! So I mentioned to several friends how much of a blessing this was, and I had so many dreams in my head about our future with them as our neighbors. I imagined our kids playing together every summer until they turned 18. So when we learned they were moving, I felt devastated. Really, I was shocked how devastated I felt, but I think it just felt like another crashed dream on top of so much other rubble from these last few years.

And then, just a few weeks later, I received an incredibly shocking job offer - an amazing job offer. After writing just one article for Wild + Free, a non-traditional homeschool community, and a few short correspondences, I was asked if I would consider editing for their magazine. The story is quite bigger than that. I deactivated my instagram account last fall and winter, as I felt overwhelmed and anxious by it. I just needed to get away. I actually thought I would never come back to it. I continually received requests for more updates on homeschooling and house renovations, though, and so in January, I hesitantly rejoined. I really wasn't at all sure if I wanted to. If I hadn't rejoined, I never would have approached Wild + Free about writing an article for them (as they are heavily an instagram community), and I never would have been offered this job. I have thought numerous times over the years about how I could look for editing jobs. But I never have. And I am just completely amazed that I didn't even have to seek this job out, it came to me. And it's not just any type of editing, it's editing in the field of work that I am passionate about (homeschooling and motherhood). The hours are perfect, my boss is incredible, and I get to do it all from home. And I just really love the people I get to know because of it.

So, in one month's time, the future of my life looked so different, both in a hard way and in a beautiful way. And the Lord pressed on my heart the word release.

Alisha, release the idea of what you think your life should look like.

Goodness, when will I ever learn this lesson. I don't think dreaming is bad. But I hold so tightly to dreams that I feel deep devastation when they crumble. So I want to focus this year on learning to release my ideas of what my life should look like. To release what I think God will do and won't do. To release what I think I deserve and don't deserve. To release the thought that I know what's best. I want to rest more in an uncertain future


  1. B read the pure book. Sat and read it all day, I think he finished it in one day. Something in me feels exposed. It’s the same something that never has and never wishes to share with him the details of our relationship. It’s one thing to say “A always made sure i was ok with things before doing them. Sometimes double checking.” It’s another to tell him the details of what I actually like. I don’t trust him with that intimacy. He doesn’t know how to use it right. It exposes me in a way that I don’t trust him with. I don’t want him to ruin the things that mean something to me, to belittle or misinterpret what impacts me. I can’t even quite understand this feeling inside me. Why I feel anxious that he read this book. But I think it has something to do with him never REALLY understanding. Just wanting to externally fix things but not really KNOW me and care for me at a deeper level. So it feels so vulnerable for him to know these things that deeply matter to me, that he can “do quick fixes” on, but never really do the deeper work of knowing me.

    1. Stayed up and finished my book. It spoke to me in a lot of ways. So b follows me to bed every night now. Waits for me, and then as soon as I head to the bathroom to get ready, he closes his computer or book and follows. It suffocates me. I don’t know how you’ve done it for 5 years. I have more I want to say on this tomorrow ... the comment I wrote above this one, I mean...

    2. So let me know if you will be up for a sex story... after the other night when you veto’s you q about britton, I want you to have the option to say no.
      And I love you and hope you slept well and have a good day. You’re a good son. And I know you don’t care that I say that, but you are :)

    3. Hey...hit me with your story...

    4. So yesterday we had sex. Bc he kept asking every day and I just wanted it to end. I had mentioned when we talked about the affair last week about you always asking before doing things, double checking etc. So yesterday he asks if I want him to finger me instead of sex. I said no, I’d prefer sex. Then he asked if he could touch me. I didn’t want him to but feel like that should be so obvious. So I let him for a while. Then he asked if I wanted him to continue. I said I’d rather him not. Then we had sex and halfway through he told me that he was sorry for treating me like he owned me and he didn’t know he had done it and that he would want to be married to me even if we never had sex again (which I wanted to both laugh and cry about in the moment bc it was so full of irony- wth, he hasn’t even been able to go a week without asking for it). Then he said, “If this is too hard, we don’t have to finish.” So this is what I mean about not trusting him with knowing what I wish for or really want. He did “all the right things” yesterday- took what I said about you asking and used it all on me. But he didn’t really mean any of it. Bc he kept asking me, pushing me when I’ve already made it clear that I don’t like it and have damage I need to heal from. So he takes what he knows and tries to “apply” it but doesn’t really listen to ME and my reactions. Like everything my body and even responses were saying yesterday (aside from countless conversations we’ve had) say I’m not comfortable with this. Yet he heard none of that- saw none of it- he thinks if he just applies this little knowledge given that he’s doing it all right. It’s so deeply frustrating.

    5. Ok, so this makes me so frustrated. It is exactly what you knew would happen. I'm at my moms now. Got a late start. Boss calls and asks me to "draw" up a picture by 1230 for a guy he is trying to sell a building to. So now I'm working on that instead of helping electrician. That is just my current frame of mind. Frustrated. So this story is what scares me about you "letting him in". I dont get the touching thing, first of all. I wont pretend to but the fascination *after* you have explicitly said it feels violating at this point is just too fucking strange to me. Like, i dont get how someone continues in that knowing the other isnt comfortable. And then talking out loud about it. And still continuing. I really dont know what to say about that other than it concerns me. Another super frustrating part is that I feel like j wont flex until I have "threatened" that this isnt working. So at that point she will change because she "has to". But that isnt the motivation I want. Her functioning different when I know she doesnt want to plays on me just as hard. Am I asking too much? Thay she would want me to listen to a helpful podcast when my soul needs it? Is it too much to not get violated by b for a fucking month in light of all the damage he has caused? Last night took me down a notch in my soul. Made me feel like I may never escape. But I need to hold on for tomorrow with our double date. So I just left our most likely "big donor". Brunch with him and his wife and j and I. I basically was "normal" Aa instead of bullshit christian fake shit. Tell them that I dont feel God has called us to do this but we are willing to try. That there is a need for people to hear about jesus and I'm going to fill a necessary role. That I dont want then to give to us if they don't want to. I look over and j is giving me this, "wtf? Dont let people know who you really are" look. I'm thinking, if God wants us to go, I'm *at least* not bullshitting everyone. It will be bad enough that I have to lie to myself for the next 20 years...

    6. And I guess if you dont mind Aa coming over and making love to me the rest of our marriage, then you can still be married to me. Since the sex isnt what you want and your rather hang out with your friends than me. And youd rather I cook the pork chops. And watch and teach all the girls. And let you nap all the time. And go to games. Amd finish watching games on your phone. And pry into any relationships I have. And question fucking.everything.

    7. I think you should definitely question j tonight about last night... call her out on it. Make her uncomfortable. She needs to be called out so she can either have the opportunity to explain herself or apologize. She knows she can get away with everything... esp since the affair. She has the upper hand and she knows it. I think a lot of it is subconscious, like she’s not purposefully trying to be an asshole- she just has gotten used to thinking she has the right. Everyone else had told her she has the right. Of course you’re not asking too much. You’re asking really normal things. She just has no respect or care for you. Thinks all things have to and should be on her terms now... you know, bc *clearly* you can’t make good decisions. Ask her why she would have such an issue with you listening to a podcast to the extent that even when you’re not, she would react the same way she would if you were - clearly proving it’s the idea of it and not the act in itself. What IS it that she actually dislikes about you listening? Bc it’s clearly not that “it keeps her awake.” Haha A I literally want to laugh out loud about last night if it wasn’t happening to someone I love. Like it sounds like a movie. Also, I love that you feel like you could be honest with the people. I think people always respect that. Weird that j wants you to be fake. Is so terrified of how you’ll be perceived. Except I grew up in a family like that so I get it. And yeah... thanks for sharing in my anger and frustrating about b. I don’t even know what the fuck to think about any of it anymore.

    8. I will bring it up tonight. But I tread lightly, A, because I cant afford for her to lock up and not want to continue to support raise or make me look evil to those around me. I'm too vulnerable, you know? I camt handle the unknowns of everyone in this town turning on me. I'm going to point to the abuse when I was young. And how I need to figure that out. She will say I shouldn't be going into aviation. I'll say I think it will end in suicide if not. I never mention divorce. Then I'll say i dont want to die or not see our kids. But i cant continue all this. I'm hoping to be open with all four tomorrow. But j and l will think I'm crazy. Then jt will side with l because he has to, not because he doesnt believe me...