Friday, October 14, 2016

As Far As the East is from the West

I've realized something about myself this past year.
It's not something I love about myself.
I've realized that I know very little of true grace and forgiveness.

As I interact with my girls each day, I am always learning things about them and about myself. Wow, does God teach us and humble us through our children!

A month ago, I was sitting on the couch nursing Violet, and Sophie and Brielle came down the stairs and started talking to me. I looked up and gasped.

"Sophie..." I began slowly and calmly, "Did you girls cut your hair?"

Sophie responds just as slowly in the affirmative.

I proceed to cry (we'll blame it on postpartum hormones) and then Sophie cries and runs and hides and Brielle just stands there really confused. Sophie cut just her bangs. Really short. Like, non-existent short. Brielle cut her bangs too, but not as short, thankfully. But then Sophie also cut her hair around back and gave her some real choppy layers. My sister was able to fix up Brielle's (even though I was sad her hair had to be cut shorter and I don't prefer bangs)... but I just had to suffer with Sophie having really awkward bangs for a little while (they are currently still awkward).

I know you're all wanting a visual, so here you go:

(Before the fix up)

(After Brielle's hair got fixed up)

So anyways, you're probably all thinking it's not that bad, but it was really sad for me because hair takes a while to grow back, and I loved their pretty hair. So after all the crying and hiding was over, I sat down and talked with them. It was all Sophie's idea. Supposedly Brielle had a string that they couldn't get out of her hair, so Sophie had the "great" idea to cut it out and then they just kept cutting. I told them that people go to school to learn how to cut hair, like their Aunt Nikki, and that they are the only ones who can cut their hair. They listened and said okay, and we hugged. And Brielle even came down the stairs later and said, "Sorry, Mom, sorry," and gave me a hug, even though I swear she still had no idea what she had done wrong.

So that should have been it. It was over. We talked about it, they said okay, they apologized. Done.

But I was faced with those short bangs and choppy hair every day after that, and I found myself continuously wanting to make comments about it ("It's hard to get your hair back because you cut it." "Your hair looks silly right now because you cut your bangs so short." "These pieces keep falling out because you cut them." "I'm really sad you cut your hair. I miss your longer bangs." "I still can't understand why you would think cutting your bangs so short was a good idea.") Seriously, the list could go on of all the thoughts that ran through my head of what I wanted to say about their hair. And unfortunately, sometimes I wasn't good at keeping them as thoughts, and I blurted them out.

And that week, God just alarmingly reminded me of how far my heart is from His. I thought of Psalm 103:12: "As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." 

I thought of all God has forgiven me of. He has forgiven me of things much worse. He has allowed me to lay them at the cross and leave them there. He never shames me. Instead, He holds me up and reminds me over and over again that I am forgiven. I am free. I am loved. I am redeemed. The girls only cut their hair short one time. There are sins that I do over and over again, and God forgives me over and over again. And continuously loves me. He calls me His own!

*sigh* Oh, to learn that love. Oh, to learn that grace. Oh, to learn that forgiveness.

Though I hate my fallen heart that is still so far from being like Christ's heart, I am thankful that God patiently teaches me and never gives up on me. And I am so, so thankful that He removes our transgressions from us and doesn't label us by them. He gives me a new name and sees me as His child, and He loves me far more than I deserve. Hallelujah!

1 comment:

  1. This made me cry. Also. I have postpartum hormones as well, but really. I know the feeling of continuously bringing up something that I've officially "forgiven" but can't seem to let go. God's grace is so so generous, so so all-encompassing. I too have so much to learn of this kind of love.